Morning Service, 08 Mar 2009
Janice lost the chance to get a great job when her husband Marvin failed to mail the application which she had so carefully prepared. When Marvin discovered the letter under some papers on his desk, the deadline was past. He was devastated by his carelessness. He tried to apologise but it was too late. Janice was furious. When Janice accused her husband of not wanting her to get a job outside the home, Marvin felt defensive. He responded by calling her a ‘prickly perfectionist’. Their marriage deteriorated.
As a Christian what ought her response to have been? One can certainly understand Janice’s deep disappointment.
Should she have forgiven Marvin? No, forgiveness is needed when sin is involved. What she needed to do was exercise forbearance. Marvin did not sin. He made a careless mistake.
In this case Marvin was not sinfully chauvinistic as Janice accused him, just careless. Certainly if this was just another example of habitual carelessness which indicated a temperamental sin then he would need forgiveness. But no, Janice listened to her imaginings not to Marvin, she began to attribute to Marvin motives which were not only untrue but which were never considered nor had she any scrap of proof for it.
Now this is a fictional story but it indicates what happens again and again not only in family relationships and the work place, but also within the church.
In over 30 years of ministry I have seen a lot of it – tensions, disputes, suspicions, noses out of joint, looking for people to support them in the way they now feel about certain people. Sometimes it’s because of sins, but often it is simply what Eric White calls Relational Fiction. He says, ‘Relational friction is the inevitable result where we fail to allow leeway for human frailty, or grant too much credence to human imagination.’ We all know what he is talking about. Maybe you have already experienced it today, even in the car getting here.
How are we to respond to things which are said or done that impact negatively on us and may even hurt us? When it comes to difficulties between people the Bible gives two responses: forbearance and forgiveness.
If sin is involved then there needs to be forgiveness, which we will look at next time, God willing.
But often within the church it is not a matter of confronting and dealing with sin, it is simply dealing with people. In these cases what is needed is forbearance – and it is this which we will consider today.
In turning to Eph 4:1-3 we see that Paul is very much aware of such problems within the church. He is concerned about unity within the church, stressing our responsibility to maintain it against those tensions which arise amongst believers which threaten this unity. He calls us to and to “endeavour to keep” this unity(v.3).
To do that he gives emphasis to “bearing with one another in love”. Don’t you find this interesting? He doesn’t say ‘forgive them or work towards forgiveness.’
It is not that he is unaware of the need of forgiveness in relationships, for in Col 3:13 we read “bearing with one another, and forgiving one another”. He knows they often go together. But here he is putting an emphasis on forebearance, bearing with one another – and leaving forgiving to 4:32.
In so doing he recognises that a lot of the cause of the tensions lies elsewhere – not in sin, but in human weakness or frailty; and that all too often we fail to act on that principle, being far too quick to accuse of sin as if that is all that it could be. As we consider our relationships with other believers we see that our responsibility is also to bear with one another.
The first question we need to ask is: What does it mean to “bear with” or to forebear? The Greek word means ‘holding oneself back from another’. It speaks of self-control under provocation. Instead of responding to each other with frustration and irritation, we hold back and we respond in love – thinking of them not us. We find ourselves looking for legitimate excuses to explain why they acted in the way they did.
Yet it means more than just putting up with the behaviour of another person – for we can do that while boiling within. Paul does not allow this for he writes that it is to be done “in love” which takes us beyond external niceties. It means to actually respond with heart-felt desires for their benefit and never to find ways to harm them in any way.
When we understand this we see that it speaks of recognising:
1. …diversity
In our relationships we need to account for human diversity.
Not everyone in the church will be nor can be like me. Now you might think that is terrific news, but I tend to think it is a bit of a tragedy – only joking! Praise God we are different, that there is diversity. But we need to remember this in our relationships with each other.
We are different physically, temperamentally, academically, socially, culturally, let alone have different levels of spiritual maturity. They have different ways of looking at things, different abilities in handling information or situations. They may not have had the upbringing and development in social graces that others have had. Some will be highly goal-orientated; others just sail through life singing ‘Manyana!’ Some are very thoughtful of consequences and careful about how it impacts upon others; while others are too busy with the issue at hand.
Even our senses of humour differ: some are dry, some are simply bubbly, some laugh at everything, others can’t see any humour at all.
Constitutionally and environmentally we are all different. Each personality has its strengths and its weaknesses. And we better come to terms with it. It is as these differences come into play that we see the need to bear with each other.
As Matthew Henry comments: ‘We have all of us something which needs to be borne with, and this is a good reason why we should bear with others in what is disagreeable to us. We need the same good turn from others which we are bound to show them.’ That’s a humbling thought isn’t it! We need to remember the impact of this difference is such that others are having to bear with us too!
2. …frailty
When we interact with other people we must take account of human frailties. Some people just cannot do what we can do. Even with a lot of nurturing they still may not be able to. Their body or mind just doesn’t work that way. But it is not just physical frailty that we need to take account of. At the best of times we are inconsistent people, and as a result we will disappoint and frustrate people who thought we could be relied upon. That’s not to excuse it; it is to note it, to take account of it. It is biblical realism. We need to remember that none of us is perfect. There are times when we have a bad day. We are all thumbs as it were, when hormones play up, where stresses and strains alter our moods and reactions.
There may be sins on their part, but you must keep it in perspective. Is i9t really a priority at this time? God in forbearance doesn’t deal with you to sort out every sin at once, and when He does deal with a sin in your life does He not note extenuating circumstances (eg in the life of believer in Gen 18:32, recognising that this was a hard truth for him to come to grips with; and with unbelievers in Jonah 4:11, noting that they did not have the spiritual privileges that Jonah and Israel had. God notes this as He deals with them.)
Think of that person who was a bit gruff and irritable as they came into church. Your ‘Good morning’ was met with a stare or a grunt. Will you now think ‘Well if that’s the way you’re going to be – fine! I won’t talk to you either’? Or will you wonder, ‘I wonder what has happened to them?’ Maybe this person appears irritable because they are having a very trying time, or they may not be well physically, or didn’t get enough sleep. Perhaps they have not had advantages and opportunities in life; perhaps their brain power or function is not what it ought to be. I’m not saying they have nothing to do in the face of such internal and external impacts. Rather, that all of us must not forget that we are all living with the consequences of the Fall. And it is not always easy.
3. …liberty
Often the antagonism that springs up in churches has more to do with personal taste and preference, the way we like or have been used to doing things, rather than with a biblical principle keenly felt.
Think of the worship services. What disruptions occur in churches over this! One person wants more choruses, whilst another complains about the lack of old hymns. One group urges quiet in the church; another promotes fellowship through friendly conversation. And on we could go with examples from areas where there is some measure of liberty granted by God – think of the disagreements that can happen in a church over priorities in spending money. So are we going to look critically at those who have a differing view on non-essentials? Are we going to pout when we don’t get our way? Or will we set it as the priority for Christian fellowship and service, and leave to find another church that majors on the indifferent matters to our own tastes?
If it is a matter of clear biblical prescription (“Do this…”) then that is one thing, and the way forward is clear and should be uniform. But the Lord has given us a measure of freedom in many areas such as these. And it can work that way on both sides of an issue. For example, even among those in the worship debate who love the old hymns they will have some they just don’t like. It is not a matter of their theology, it is perhaps the music style or too trite in wording for their tastes, or it is associated with bad memories. Yet others love them, again for various reasons. Will you not bear with them if they ask for it? Or will you give them a sharp look and grumble under your breath saying ‘I’m not going to sing that!’ Let us not lose sight of areas of liberty and so say: ‘It’s not the way I’d do it, but God says it’s OK for them so who am I to complain?’
4. …authenticity
How often the slights and offences we notice are more imagined than real. That look, that word we took it a certain way – but it was never intended in the way we took it. Have you ever thought about that? The problem doesn’t always lie with the other person but with me, my perceptions of what they are saying or doing, or even worse of what they are thinking.
I remember reading of a lady who developed a growing hostility towards a former close friend. Imagined slights poisoned the once warm relationship. One of the few things that brought joy into her sad life was an anonymous ‘secret pal’ who remembered her birthdays and anniversaries, and who in other thoughtful ways cheered her up. Finally the estranged friend died. In spite of the bitterness, the woman thought that common decency required her to visit the grieving husband. She offered to help him straighten up the house. While tidying up, she found a letter addressed to herself. Opening it, she discovered to her shock that the ‘secret pal’ who had brought such encouragement to her gloomy life was none other than the target of her animosity! How she had maligned her friend all those years because she had misjudged her and gave into paranoia! What grief because she couldn’t “bear with” her – as her ‘friend’ had with her.
How often relational friction is grounded in the imagination, in imaginary grievances! We don’t know everything, yet we act as if we are omniscient, as if we understand exactly what is happening, all the motives. We draw conclusions but more often than not they are drawing us away from reality into a paranoia that is always destructive. We need to throw down such imaginings! It is far better to “bear with one another”.
There may be times when we are called upon to forgive one another, there will certainly be times when we will have to forebear!
The failure to take account of human differences, frailties, preferences and imagination leads to many of the difficulties between Christians. We dismiss other believers, become impatient, critical and contemptuous of them. We are put off by them, and may even leave the church over them. What a tragedy when such a failure is known among God’s people. We are called to “bear with” not to become critical, condemning or dismissive ourselves. We are called by God to note our own frailties, for then we will bear with one another’s.
But equally we need to ask ourselves as to whether we are the cause of concerns and hurts in others because of our manner, assumptions, or even zeal that may not be legitimately grounded in Scripture. Though you have a tender heart and want to encourage and help no one sees it because of your abrupt or direct manner, or because the ‘humour’ you used was not funny to them.
Are you thinking about whether people may be misconstruing what you are doing? Experience tells me that people whom others frequently have to “bear with” don’t even think before they speak, let alone think of how people may respond to it. They just assume they have a right and that at least they’ve done the right thing in so speaking or acting. They don’t notice their own frailties and inconsistencies. Indeed they often don’t even think others have to “bear with” them. Or if they do, they don’t give sufficient attention to minimise their need to.
The great need is to “bear with” others, but the flip side of that is the equally great need to minimise how much others may need to bear with us. This requires prayerful and honest reflection and heart-searching before a God who bears with us.
It would do us all good to do a bit of self-auditing, and to be courageous enough to ask others what they honestly think of how we act, and by God’s grace to seek their help in bringing and maintaining change where change needs to be made.